Lisa's reaction to "How to pick up the opposite sex at the beach"

By Lisa:

I know for a fact that I would never get picked up at a beach.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm pretty and I have nice boobies and I know for an absolute FACT that I am fun to be around.  But between my pasty legs and overweight proud-to-be-an-American body, I'm not about to go down the Jersey Shore and take 500,000 pictures of myself in a g-string.  If I'm at the beach, it's because I want to relax and enjoy the sand, the sun, and the the world's salty communal toilet bowl.  I don't look good when I go to the beach.  I pull my hair back and wear no makeup to maximize my tan, and while I can pull off a good pair of sturdy jeans, I look pretty flimsy in a two-piecer. 

So what I will do to participate in this important blog question of how to pick up the opposite sex at the beach is give you my top 5 tips for how to pick up the opposite sex at the beach.  Because I may not really know how to get a man, but I sure do know how to hit on one.

1. Try a nude beach!  Nudity totally levels the playing field.  Clothes are nothing but a shield; a superficial symbol of the shallowness of mankind.  Also, no more "little" (*wink*) or "big" (*wink*) surprises  At a nude beach, what you see is what you get, and do you know what I think?  I think you're gonna get some.

2. Drink alcohol.  This actually will assist in any situation where you are trying to do anything that involves anything.  Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and numbs you to rejection.  Alcohol is great.

3. Bring alcohol.  Alcohol is more than just a depressant that impairs your judgement... it's a magnet for dudes and chicks alike... anyone who likes to have a good time will be drawn to your tantalizing booze.  It is also a great filter for who is cool and who is not.  Offer that cute guy at the beach a beer. Oh, you don't drink? PEACE!

4. Be friendly, but not creepy.  This one is mostly for the more... penis-y readers out there.  There is a difference between saying, "What's up?" and saying "WHAAAZZZAAAAHHHHH (tounge wagging violently in open mouth)!"  Know what I mean?

5.  Don't look down too much.  Guys, you know how you do that thing where you constantly glance at a girl's boobies while you're talking to her? We notice that.  Not only do we notice the downward glance, but we also notice that your brain is drooling.  It's not becoming (funniest. word. ever. ).  Ladies, same deal, different reason.  Don't look down at a guy's belly/6pack/12pack/18pack/kegger.  It makes him self-conscious.  Self-consciousness is not really conducive to romance.

I have so many more tips that I could share, but the reality is that if you just follow tips 2 and 3 you'll be fine. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend! Maybe I'll see you at the beach!  Perhaps together we can experience a cool breeze on a warm summer day.  Until then...