Reasons Not to Get Married

There are plenty of reasons to not get married. Tom, Ariel and I thought of a few.

You shouldn't get married because...

you are running for office

he is in his 80s and owns playboy

you have a double life

your fiancé just told you she use to be a man

you are an entertainer/athlete/actor/politician/musician/etc. For example if your name is: Tiger Woods, (Insert name) Kardashian, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Lohan, Kobe…

you already have thoughts about striking your partner with a blunt object because of the way they drink tea

free time for masturbation will be severely curbed

amount of sex your having will not increase

after you’re married your partner won't get thinner

in a relationship your 'hand' is one day you might propose

after 30 men age at a rate of .5 years to women's 1 year (age determined in bun getting possibilities)

age determined in bun getting possibilities

children will soon follow

everything you own becomes "hers" referred to as "ours"

the penalty for having sex with someone else is losing half of your stuff

blowjobs become annual like birthdays and holidays

living together

your "boys" get replaced with other married couples who like to go antiquing in New England instead of strip club hopping Vegas

you have game night instead of watching the game

doesn't change your husband into a Disney prince the way you thought it would

the girl you see walk by that you probably would never have been able to have sex with anyway all of sudden becomes a definite

leg shaving only occurs when it’s a full moon...same goes for nose hair trimming    

farts aren’t held back

the phrase "i thought since we got married you would _____" becomes a psychological weapon 

your friends with exciting stories of the weekend about a different girl they had sex with and yet somehow slept with her sister too

forced to be friends with her annoying friend’s husbands

if you are going to spend 50 grand on a party I would prefer somewhere where "making it rain" is an option

"Jesus wants you too"

of what her mom looks like

"things will get better"

Montel revealed the kid is yours during the paternity test

its time to settle down

she has a kid

your Mormon and 5 is the limit

she's 16

he's 80

she will one day be 40

you will end up owning a lawnmower

drunkenly peeing on your white picket fence is a real problem instead of a funny story

   

he already has a wife

you have to stop sexting and tweeting pics of your bare chest

your samurai sword collection is no longer tolerated

she's a ginger

her love for carrot top's comedy

you'll have to see your relatives and pay for them to eat and drink at YOUR wedding even though you don't like them. Then the cheap bastards have the nerve to complain about the food. Shut the hell up and eat it!

gold is expensive

she reminds you of your mom

all your friends are doing it

it was arranged

your friend dared you

joint bank statements where your significant other can see the potato gun/twilight fan club purchase you didn't need to be judged on
 
you just love all your family and friends asking you when are you going to get married. It’s the only time they talk to you.
 
you look fat in white.
 
you really love cats.
 
you are an international spy. 007 never got married.
 
the state doesn’t recognize marriages to yourself. You are that fabulous.
 
you don’t want the man to keep you down. (Both the government and any “husband”).

your heroes are not married or shouldn't have been ex: Wilt Chamberlain, James Bond, Tiger Woods, Superman, Hugh Hefner (young version), Snooki and Bill Clinton.

The Worst Possible Gifts to Receive on Father's Day

Father's Day is this Sunday. Mr. Hollywood and I were wondering what are the worst possible gifts a father can receive? Here are a few we came up with. Enjoy!

A violin performance from your kid who "just started learning".

    

Viagra with a card saying "This is what mom said you needed".

Anything "homemade". 

   

Your wife getting new boobs…smaller new boobs.

Tickets to go see a fancy new ballet.

A push lawnmower from your hippie child with a card that says, "This will save the environment and only add an hour to mowing the lawn."

A nice dinner with your kids, ex-wife and her new younger and sexy boyfriend.

A nice dinner with your kids, ex-wife, and her new younger and sexy girlfriend.

Giant dildo from your son and a wink when you open it.

 

Your 16 year old daughter telling you she is pregnant and has no idea who the father is.

Divorce papers.

Tickets to a Mets game.

 

The paternity test reveals it’s yours.

Happy Father's Day ya Bastards!



Weiner Jokes

Today Weiner officially resigned. Mr. Tom Hollywood and I decided to toss off a bunch of Weiner jokes in your face for one last time. Enjoy

"Weiner inches his way out."

 "I've had enough Weiner for one lifetime."

 "I've lost my taste for Weiner."
 

"It's about time. Everywhere I turn I see Weiner."

 "Weiner removes himself from tight spot to re-enter personal life"

 "Weiner's hard stance finishes. Clear thinking resumes."

 "Summer starts, Weiner burnt out of office."

"Weiner is another word for penis."

"Weiner can't face grilling, leaves charred."

 "Weiner finally releases."

 "Weiner finishes, leaves mess behind."

 "Weiner leaves a sticky situation."

 "Weiner can't finish what he started."

 "Weiner finishes sooner then expected."

 "Weiner shrinks under pressure."

 "Weiner blows his chance."

 "What did Weiner say to Twitter? I'm out."

 "Weiner says he can last, results show he finished before he started."

 "Salty Weiner leaves funny aftertaste."

 "Weiner leaves with it tucked between his legs."

 "Weiner succumbs to shrinkage."

"Weiner, weiner, weiner, weiner!"  

Spray Away

I have a cat. When he is being a jerk I spray him in the face with a water bottle. He hates it so much that now all I have to do is hold up the bottle and he runs away.

Wouldn’t this be great if we could do this to people? Someone acts like a jerk and all it takes is a spray of water to the face to stop them. A quick squirt of water makes a person shut their mouth or restrains a person from behaving like an animal. Imagine being able to do this to your boss or significant other or sibling or friend or parent or co-worker or the idiot in front of you on the bus who reclines his seat too far back or the person on the subway who smells like hot garbage (the kind of smell in the summer that makes you puke in your mouth) or the drunk guy who hits on you at a bar with some corny pick-up line? I will stop there because I might fall under the last category. 

Basically this goes for anytime you want to shout, “Get the hell away from me”! A spray of water to the face is a perfect solution. It isn’t hurting the other person, yet it satisfies you. It will annoy them instead of them annoying you. Shooting water in someones eyes won’t cause pain, but just enough discomfort to send the message: “You are aggravating me. Go somewhere else. I don’t want to inhale the same air as you right now. Please leave my atmosphere.”   

We should all carry spray bottles around. There would be fewer arguments. I plan on carrying a super soaker with me daily.

We can market this as “Spray Away Your Problems” or “Just Squirt It” or “Shut the Hell Up and Leave Me Alone Before I Give You a Face Full of Water That Will Certainly Irritate Your Eyes For a Few Seconds and Embarrass You in Front of Everyone”.

Congressman Weiner Needs Twitter Editor

In America we all have freedom of speech, but we all say dumb stuff from time to time. We all have been in a situation where we have said something that we wish we didn't. Majority of people have the common sense to not say the first thing that pops into their head. Most of us have an on deck circle in our brain where we can take a practice swing before stepping up to the plate. That kind of place where we can think something, realize it is completely absurd and then make the wise decision to not share it with the rest of the world for fear of looking insane or stupid.

Twitter gives anyone the opportunity to say whatever happens to pop into their head and share it with the World Wide Web. This can be dangerous at times because we all say dumb stuff. This becomes even more dangerous for athletes, actors, celebrities and politicians because they are constantly in the spotlight.

How can one tweet, but not present themselves as a moron? The solution is Twitter Editor. Imagine a world with Twitter Editor. It could be downloadable program that can supply these people with common sense. They will finally be able to evade embarrassing themselves on Twitter.

What if Anthony Weiner had a Twitter Editor? It could have saved his career. Now Congressman Weiner is just another creepy dude sending picture of his manhood to young women.  Weiner joins the fraternity of high profile figures that have sent pictures of their junk to women who aren’t their wives. By the way, why would he not change his name? Weiner? Really?

Twitter Editor wouldn’t let him send inappropriate pictures of himself. Instead, it would send pictures of puppies…

 

…or even better

Charlie! I love that video. It makes me giggle out loud.

Their Tweets wouldn’t make headlines, but that is the sacrifice that must be made to avoid sounding or looking like a moron. The simple solution is not sending naked pictures or saying bizarre things on Twitter. That isn’t happening. Let's all consider Twitter Editor, especially for athletes, actors, celebs and definitely politicians.

Spiderman is ready to return to Broadway…again.

One of my favorite superheroes is Spiderman. I grew up watching the Spiderman cartoon on Saturday mornings when Saturday morning cartoons were watchable. Wow that makes me sound old, but it is true. I enjoyed the first two Spiderman movies. The third was weak. Did you think it was good? Remember this scene?

Do you still think it was good? I didn’t think so. It didn’t make any sense. Why would Spiderman do that? You probably forgot about that scene. You erased it from your memory and I just uploaded it into your brain. Sorry about that. I owe you one.

Then came, Spiderman on Broadway? How would they turn Spiderman into musical? How would they make him glide from building to building using his web? Who will the villains be? Who was going to direct and who would do the music?

The actors were training with Circus du Soleil acrobatics, Green Goblin would be the main villain, Julie Taymor was set to direct and U2 were creating the music and lyrics. After hearing all of this I thought to myself, “Spiderman will be the most fantastical performance ever.”

I saw one of the previews with my family in December 2010. The first act was entertaining. Spiderman was flying over the audience’s heads, the set was amazing and the aerial fight scenes were impressive. Despite the storyline being, (SPOILER ALERT!!!), a mixture of the first two movies; he becomes Spiderman, fights a super villain, falls in love with Mary Jane, can’t tell her he loves her because he is Spiderman, learns that with great power comes great responsibility, etc. It was fun, but not fantastical.   

The show turned into a strange, uninteresting love story in the second act. There was a giant spider woman called Arachne who was in love with Spiderman. Mary Jane loved Peter Parker aka Spiderman, but Arachne had this magical love spell on Spiderman. To be honest I’m not sure what was going on in the second act. It was confusing, dull and barely any action! The coolest part of the show was having Spiderman flying over your head. I feel asleep during the second act. I didn’t even go out the night before because I wanted to be well rested for Spiderman. That makes me sound like a dork. What I meant to say was I partied all night with tons of friends and beautiful women. Then I caught a nap before the show so I was well rested.

The show would become the most technically complex show ever on Broadway. By November 2010 the production was an estimated $65 million. Spiderman was getting stuck during his web gliding scenes, delaying the show. Cast members were falling, breaking bones and quitting the show.

Now the show is back on Broadway again. The story has changed. How can this show become successful and turn into a long running, quality Broadway show? Cast me as Spiderman.

Why you ask? I was Spiderman for Halloween three years ago. I’m mildly athletic. I will work for cheap. The resemblance is uncanny.

Can you tell which one is me?

 

Ignore the fact that I am wearing a $40 costume from Party City.

Sure casting me as Spiderman doesn’t make much sense. Neither does that scene of Tobey Maguire dancing in Spiderman 3. You know what else doesn’t make sense… Spiderman on Broadway.