Life of a Pretend Football Fan

Is their anything better than football Sundays? Whether you like to go to the game or watch it on TV, Sundays are made for football. I love sitting on my couch watching the Giants, watching my dad shout at the Giants through the TV and rooting for my fantasy players. It is the perfect way to end a weekend. Sure, listening to my dad yell doesn’t sound fun, but there is something really funny about a man in his 50s screaming at a TV. 

Everybody loves football. So many people in fact, that people actually pretend to be football fans. Tom and I listed some red flags that indicate characteristics of a pretend football fan.

If you are a pretend football fan you probably…

know who the quarterback was seen with on TMZ, but you aren’t sure how many touchdowns he threw last Sunday.

use the ‘we’ term to describe the team.

are reasonable in the face of defeat. You say things immediately after a loss like "We'll get them next time."

know NFL greats like Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and L.T. because you watch Dancing with the Stars.

own more jerseys then games attended.

don't want to go to the playoff game because its cold or because you can't sit next to your buddies.

like the team just for their colors and the pretty dolphin on their uniform.

aren’t sure who to hate until someone hates them for you.

have jerseys of different players from different teams. Which one to wear? How come it always happens to be the one with the best record? (Cough, cough) Front runner. (Cough, cough)

decided if the Giants aren’t good this year I’ll root for the Eagles because they are close to where I live.

think fantasy football involves Lord of the Rings characters.

went shopping, apple picking, or basically did anything else but watch the game.

the last one on and the first one off any bandwagon.

won't eat the free food during the tailgate because you’re watching your figure.
    

will ask which team is the green team.

cheer a second behind other's reactions to see if you should be mad or happy at the end of each play.

quote phrases from the Little Giants to cover up your lack of football knowledge. Example: “They should do the annexation of Puerto Rico.”

Fan or not that is an awesome quote from a great movie. Remember Rick Moranis? He was in that movie.

All pretend fans should not be ashamed. You are a fan, just not a real one. At least you don’t have to sit next to my dad and listen to him yell at Eli Manning every Sunday.  

  

By: Mike Cupolo and Tom Hollywood

Silence! the Musical

A few years ago I had my first musical theatre experience when my family took my little sister to see Disney’s Tarzan the musical for her birthday.  While I understand that the majority of the Broadway going audience is educated middle-aged Caucasian women and a handful of sharply dressed men; watching a guy swing across the stage in a loincloth for 2 hours is not my idea of money well spent.  Especially, since I still had the dry heaves from the previous night out with friends. I completely swore off theater.

My parents are fairly regular theatre goers and after my reaction to Tarzan they thought better then to invite me to future outings. I was done.  Finished. The fat lady sung.  But then I met a girl.  She worked it theatre so when she suggested I take my family to see Avenue Q, I had enough faith in her sense of humor and theatre background to give it a try.  Also, she’s really hot. 

Avenue Q is basically Sesame Street for adults. I didn’t know a musical could be so crude and hilarious. I highly recommend Avenue Q for anyone who has a sense of humor and doesn’t get offended easily. From then on I was going to shows with family and friends. In the past two years I’ve seen Avenue Q, Wintuk, Spiderman (the Julie Taymor actors-could-get-killed version), 39 Steps, Jersey Boys and a little show you might have heard about The Book of Mormon.

This past weekend I went to see Silence! the Musical, a musical parody of the Silence of the Lambs.  Almost as fun as actually seeing the show was telling people I was going.  Since the movie was so dark and gruesome I suppose I can understand their raised eyebrows at the thought of singing serial killers.  Um,  Singing Serial Killers = AWESOME!  The show had a Naked Gun tongue-in-cheek style where the lead character, FBI trainee Clarice Starling, is portrayed as a complete moron.  Keeping to the original story, Clarice has to pick the brain of one of the most notorious serial killers, Hannibal Lector, in order to catch the diabolical Buffalo Bill. However in the stage version Clarice’s quest is narrated by five delightfully low budget signing lambs. The musical has laugh- out- loud songs such as, “Put the Lotion in the Basket” and “If I Could Smell Her C**t”. Now those are songs you’ll catch me humming around the water cooler!

If you can’t get tickets to The Book of Mormon until 2012 – I suggest you check out Silence! The Musical.  But be careful, it might turn you into the giggling musical theatre geek that I have become. 

If I was 30 years older…

By: Mike Cupolo and Tom Hollywood

If I was 30 years older...

I can use phrases like, “Do you pay rent? My house my rules. Get a job. Money doesn’t grow on trees. If we get a dog are you going to take care of it? You aren’t leaving this table until you are done eating. Who wants ice cream?” I’d rather just put my parents in a home.

And working the same job I am now I will be very disappointed.

Hopefully I still won't need Viagra, but the doctor won't give me a weird look when I try to get it to abuse for sexual pleasure.

People would say "he's in great shape for 45" instead of people saying "he's kind of fat for 25”.  Then I can tell younger folks they are getting fat whenever they tacked on a few extra pounds regardless of the shape I’m currently in.

It would be an accomplishment if I still have all my hair instead of it just being expected of me.

Going to the bar with friends seems less likely. Although, Homer Simpson does it and he is an icon.  

A massage after playing basketball would be believable instead of everyone assuming I’m going for a happy ending.

I would wash plastic silverware because reusing it would seem reasonable. I would also eat off real plates.

My place on the Giant’s season ticket waiting list would be up and I could pay the 20 grand to sit in freezing weather. Then I can bitch about how they use to be good and not such pussies.

I would use out of date racial terminology. It wouldn’t be considered racist because people will think I’m just use to the old ways.

I wouldn’t claim to know my illegitimate children even though they are a 20 year old version of me.

I would describe my freighting behavior in my 20s as "youthful indiscretions". By now the statute of limitations should almost be up on that "youthful indiscretion" in October 2011.

I would tell my kids that their mom use to be hotter when I married her 20 years ago even though she wasn't.

I would pretend to not understand inflation or social propriety. I could say, “When I was young a dollar would get you a half and half from an Asian broad on

57th street

.”

I would start ruining the new liver with drugs and alcohol.

I would pretend not to understand computers, online dating and internet porn.

I lie to my kids and tell them I love their mom, even though she took half.  

I would tell my son all of my sexual conquests. Tell him to man up and find a "real" woman and stop whacking it to cartoons.

The milfs have evolved into rich lonely horny widows. Time to live the Gigolo lifestyle.    

I would walk into a Verizon store and repeatly poke a screen while saying in a voice much too loud "How do you work this infernal contraption"?

I’ll back out of the pact I made with that girl/guy that if we weren't married by 40 we would marry each other. Sounds mean, but they didn't age well. The fact that they remember this drunken pledge has me concerned about their mental state. Gigolo it is.

I’ll go snowboarding and bitch about how all these "snowbladers" are fucking up the mountain.

I’ll bitch how noisy these young whippersnappers are at the movies and how they shouldn't let in anyone under 40. Also keep out anyone who is different than I am. New things make me uncomfortable.

I’ll say borderline creepy compliments to teenager girls. They won't know if I’m hitting on them or just being nice.

I’d go around saying people 20 years younger are bums. They should get a job and stop spending all day smoking pot and playing video games even though that’s what I did 20 years ago.

I could tell ppl I still live at home because I am taking care of my parents not the other way around.

Do you ever wish you could be back in school instead of at work?

By: Mike Cupolo and Tom Hollywood

Do you ever wish you could be back in school instead of at work? Not me. I would rather be home watching TV and playing with Legos. Although there are times that I miss being a student. Tom and I thought of some reasons why school is better than work. We started with the good old preschool days and made our way through the party days of college.   

Nap time- Taking a nap was a requirement. Now you have to go to “meetings” and go on “calls” to catch some shuteye.

Recess- Do you play kickball at your job on a daily basis? I didn’t think so.  

Evil Teacher vs. Horrible Boss- You get stuck with a teacher who flips out when a student drops a pencil on the floor and makes you stay after school two minutes each time you drop a pencil. At least it is only for a year. You could be trapped with a boss for a lifetime.

Snack time- You get a tasty free treat everyday at school. At work you get to deal with a bastard of a vending machine that eats your money and toys with your emotions.

Subjects- One job, one subject. Think of all the classes you got to take over the years in school: Gym, Study Hall, Women Studies, etc. I couldn’t believe I got a ‘D’ in Women Studies. After a few years of bad dates and questionable relationships it makes a ton of sense.   

Hot substitute teacher- It didn’t happen often, but when it did it was the coolest. You got to stare at a pretty young lady all day. Now interns are the closest thing to an attractive alternate. It isn’t appropriate or professional to stare at the 18 year old intern in your office. Don’t be a creep. Glance, don’t stare.    

Absenteeism- While you are enrolled in college you are generally supposed to show up.  At work you have tightly regulated sick days and vacation days. If you exceed them it better be because your liver needed to be removed last night and not because you had a great time at the kegger.

Attire- The general rule in college is, “Regardless of how ridiculous it may seem, as long as it covers the naughty bits you can wear it out.” You can wear pajamas to class! The same does not go for work. At best you have casual Fridays when you get wear polos and khakis. You are so beaten down by “the man” you actually look forward to casual Fridays.

Sexual Relations- A complicated matter in any environment. You slept with Becky from biology class at whatever depraved party you attended. You were the man and Becky was probably cool with it. If you sleep with Rebecca from marketing at the office Christmas party you have a problem. You will have to see this woman on a daily basis, not just Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3-4:15. You’ll have to do serious work with someone you saw naked and did some messed up stuff with knowing you.

Potential Dating Pool- There is plenty of opportunities to meet the opposite sex. Whichever college you attend your undergraduate class is a balanced mix of males and females 18 to 23 years old. You may not appreciate it at the time, but that is a prime age range for the opposite sex. Everyone is in competition with other coeds to look the best. This encourages them to put down the fork and go for a run. They haven’t entered “time to look for a husband territory”.

The workplace is completely different. Alcohol and questionable decisions become less of a factor. The questionable decision was sleeping with you. You are lucky if there is a decent guy to girl ratio. There are some work fields that definitely are trending more towards one sex. Then even if you have an even mix the age range is now 25 to 65. The worry that your potential mate might be married or pregnant comes into play. Also there is the high chance she is looking to get married or pregnant. With this scarcity comes terms like “work hot”. Now this is a girl that wouldn’t compare to most coeds, but because she is the only reasonably attractive woman at work she now thinks she is filet mignon and deserves better then the likes of you.

  

Enjoy being in school and don’t rush the experiences. In the immortal words of Billy Madison, “Stay here. Stay as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.” 



Mets Game

A ticket to a Mets game in August is as useless as someone handing you a condom after your kid graduates from high school. Why would I need this now? What if the tickets were twelve rows behind home plate? Yes, it’s still the Mets and they would have trouble beating a Little League baseball team. Take a second now to get all of the Mets insults out.

Are you done? Feel better? Anyway, I went to the game with my family. Going to a sporting event with your family on a Wednesday night is…different. I can’t be a complete degenerate like I normally would with friends. I can’t consume the same amount of alcohol as I normally would. Nothing good will come from getting wasted in front of your parents in a public setting. The look of disappoint, shame and embarrassment from a parent is humiliating or so I’ve heard.

The price of the beer does play a factor too. Spending $8 for a small cup of beer is expensive for anyone. It becomes even more expensive for someone who lives with their parents. A person who has to debate what is more important, lunch for the week or a few beers at the game, should probably avoid making more bad decisions that involve alcohol.

I can’t heckle the same way. How do I share my disapproval for the opposing team sober? Think of all the horrible obscenities I could be shouting at the Marlins pitcher from a safe distance after he strikes out Jason Bay for the third time. I won’t be able to properly communicate my feelings of pure disgust towards the home plate umpire, also from a safe distance.

After the Mets scored their first run I jumped up and did this weird celebratory arm thrust. It was over the top. I immediately sat down and regretted doing it. How many people saw it? I got a dirty look from some little kids sitting to my left. Those kids don’t understand what it’s like being a Mets fan and how rare it is to see them score. I told them their parents didn’t love them. Nah, I didn’t. Totally wish I did though.  I know the attention wasn’t solely on me, but when someone leaps out of their seat to do a Street Fighter sort of uppercut people notice. I looked to my right and my family had a look of confusion mixed with embarrassment with a hint of, “What the hell are you doing?”

It isn’t easy being a Mets fan. Although, it is easier than I thought to get the look of shame from my parents. 

Dating a Co-Worker

By: Mike Cupolo

Taboo, forbidden and unmentionable. A few words to describe the very thought of dating a co-worker. Tell someone you think a co-worker is attractive and the first thing out of their mouth will be, “Don’t shit where you eat.”

Why can’t you date a co-worker?

Work is almost guaranteed to get awkward. You have to see this person everyday and work side by side. There is definitely added pressure to a relationship if you decide to date someone whom you are forced to spend eight hours a day, five days a week, and 52 weeks a year with.  That is over 2,000 minutes! I have no idea if that is right, but it is a lot of time. You get to commute to work, eat lunch together, hang after work, hang on the weekends, spend every holiday together, and take the same vacation days TOGETHER. You better really adore this person, because you are stuck.

What happens if you go through a bad break-up? You won’t be able to get away from it. You can’t just get another job in this economy. What if you had to work with an ex? Work would suck so much more. Your day would start like this, “Damn is it really Wednesday morning? I am so tired and hung over. Why did I drink so much on a week night? Is that a squirrel in my room? How did a squirrel get into my room? Get out of her squirrel! Let me jump into the shower…HOLY CRAP! Completely forgot I have to see that bitch/bastard all day! Maybe it doesn’t go down exactly like that, but I think you get the idea. It could get bad.

What if your co-worker and your soul mate are the same person? You enjoy their company so much that seeing each other for hours each day, everyday, is a delight. If your relationship is strong and exciting it could improve your work life dramatically. You might actually look forward to work.

What do you do if you are attracted to a co-worker? Ignore your feelings because you don’t want to make your work life uncomfortable? What if you pass up an opportunity to date someone special? 

Here are a few reasons to pursue your office crush and few reasons why you shouldn’t chase that work tail.

Go for your crush!

1. A potential bad day can be averted with a big hug and a few laughs with your mate.
2. Why should you have to date online or go to a bar to meet someone? You hang out with attractive singles on a daily basis.
3. No lull in conversation. You always have work to talk about. Depending on your job this could be stimulating banter.
4. You spend more time with co-workers than your family.  
5. You have a better attitude at work now.

Go to the bathroom and toss some cold water on your face instead.  

    

1. You are convinced your co-worker likes you. You come on too strong. Now you have to take, “What is Sexual Harassment in the Work Place?” classes 3 times a week.

2. You aren’t the first person they have dated in the office. You aren’t the last either.

3. Dating an intern seemed like a great idea until you found out she was 16.

4. Can’t bring your wife or husband to work anymore now that you are dating a co-worker. 

 5. Everyone at work knows you two are an item. Other co-workers question you daily about your relationship and work turns into an episode of TMZ.

Jp's Reaction to: Dating a Co-Worker

Dating a co-worker . . . yay or nay? There really are many pro’s and con’s to that topic. I have thought about it in other jobs but the profession I am in it’s really not at high demand. I work with 95% women and I’m really not interested in dating any of them. If I worked in an office, I’m sure that I would have a crush on a guy I worked with and probably want to date him.

Pro’s

You get to see them every day! (Woo hoo isn’t that exciting!!!! Yea it is when things are great. It might even be motivation to go to work.)

Someone who really knows what you are going through at work. (When you go home and complain about stuff going on at the office they already know. Hopefully they are on your side when the boss comes in and yells at you or vice versa.)

You already know them. (You don’t have to go through that whole random who you are stuff. You already know them on a certain level and may have already hung out with them a few times on the “friend” level)

Con’s

You get to see them every day! ( You have no time for yourself really. If you are fighting, you are pissed, you really just have no interest in seeing them, or you broke up you now see them every day. It’s a great idea when everything is going well but when things aren’t going so well you are just SOL.)

Dating a co-worker is actually a big NO NO! (Usually that is one of the big things addressed when you get a job. They really frown upon you dating each other. But come on most jobs keep you there til all hours how are you supposed to meet someone when you can never go out because you are always working.)

Just so you know everyone is talking about you! (We are all gossips and you are just going to be adding fuel to the fire. Everyone is going to be talking about you and your relationship. Especially if you are dating your boss! )

Don’t we all wish that we could be Pam and Jim from The Office. Come on their relationship is like so cute and perfect and they are the ideal office romance. They start as friends, begin dating, get engaged, get married, & have a baby. Too bad that all office romances don’t end like that, most end with the dread of going to work and having to see them again! I'm all for dating but dating a co-worker I'm still torn about, how about more hot guys just into the teaching profession then I'll give my answer!!

Melissa's reaction to Online Dating

Online Dating

I have not tried online dating as of yet. I have filled out profiles but have not been committed to looking at my potential matches. I may have to follow up very soon because my normal way of meeting men is becoming weirder and weirder as each day passes (I tend to meet men with no teeth, smell of malt liquor and call me “Baby girl”).

Online Dating Questionnaires

As I mentioned earlier, I have signed up to a few online dating sites like Match.com and just recently Plenty of Fish.com. Although the questionnaires are quite thorough (think I even was given a pap smear during the process) I think that I still may attract the same type of “crazy” men that I would usually meet in a normal circumstance. So just for a little added protection I think that besides completing the online dating profile I should also add a few questions.

Question 3: What is your name? That would be your government name please.

In the past I usually meet men who introduce themselves as “Pookie”, “Ray Ray”, “Big Will” or my personal favorite “Reality” (really, Reality?). I would like the name your mama gave you please! I want the name that is printed on your Birth Certificate or like the folks in the ‘hood say your “government name”.

Question 2: Have you been to the prison? For how long? And for what?

Not jail. Prison! This is very important to me. I seem to attract men who have a reputation for visiting the clinker for long periods of time. Maybe they enjoy the butt cavity checks. Who knows! But please let me know up front if you’ve spend time in prison so I can let you down easy!

Question 1: How many Baby Mama’s do you have?

And finally, tell me if you have more than one Baby Mama. I do not want a man who has to keep in touch with 5 different women for the sake of his 25 children. Too much drama for me! If you have one child with one women and it did not work out, then that’s okay. Things happen. But if you haphazardly decided to impregnate a train of women and think I am going to start a relationship with you, you’ve have got to be out of your mind! Quite personally, if you have more than one Baby Mama then you should wear the red scarlet letters “MW” for Man Whore!

All 3 questions are patent pending (LOL)!

By Melissa

JP's Reaction to: "Online Dating"

Oh the wonderful topic of online dating. Just starting out with a heads up on this blog today, I am very anti-men at the moment!

Okay so online dating seems to be the “in” thing at the moment. Every time you watch television you see a commercial for E Harmony or Match.com. I won’t lie I signed up for match.com during one of their free weekends to see who else was on it. I always like signing up for things to see if I know anyone. Well I signed up, made a profile, realized the “free” part was bull and deleted it. I REFUSED to pay monthly to meet the “right” guy. I’m not knocking the people who do pay but sorry I have more important things to pay for each month like clothes, food, alcohol, Louis Vuitton bags, and gas; then paying to meet a man.

One night my I went out with my guy friends and they were talking about this website Plentyoffish.com. They kept saying how it seemed like a cool website and they were getting messages from a few girls and it couldn’t be too bad because they were on their phones A LOT of the night responding to these girls. Well my purpose was not to get messages from girls but the next morning I soberly signed up. It seemed okay at first, until the messages started. They were from CREEPERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! One guy proceeded to send me a message telling me how I was “thick and sexy.” Did he really think that was going to get a response, like I would say “OMG YOU ARE MY PRINCE CHARMING!” The weird messages continued constantly, one guy told me how I needed to stand up for myself, others asked for sex dates, some seemed normal. A LOT of the messages just went into the trash folder and did not get a response. I was interested in that website for like a week, and then I was over it. I still have the app on my phone and go on randomly but I have given up on it. The guys just turned out to be bizarre. With the messages I got it just showed men have no sensor and really should think before they type.

I have to admit online dating scares me. When I younger and I felt nothing could happen to me I met people from MySpace, but once I got a little older that stopped. Come on we are all invincible when we are in high school and college right. We are never going to meet a rapist or murderer on the internet! HAHAHA! You really have no idea if these people are really who they say they are. I know that happens in bars too but at least in a bar you see what this person looks like. It’s not a 60 year old pedophile trying to meet little girls. I watch too many crime shows (LAW & ORDER: SVU) to trust all these new dating techniques. For right now I’ll stick to just not dating, because I’ve come to realize there aren’t any good guys right now online or in real life. They all seem to disappoint. Bummer summer!

MILF's reaction to On Line Dating

Like most people this day in age, I’ve had my share of experience in the on-line dating arena. After my marriage fell apart I joined an online dating site simply to seek affirmation that, yes, men still found me attractive. I did go out on a few dates to realize that while there are great benefits of weeding people out online (based on politics, religion, hair color, height, etc..) there are some things you can’t find out about a person until you meet face-to-face. For instance; I once met with a man who showed up to our date wearing tricked-out sneakers with no socks, a gold pinky-ring and had the shifty eyes of a date-rapist. Clearly, I have nothing in common with a man who wears a pinky ring.

Recently, a friend of mine sent me an invitation to join a new dating site created by some “friends-of-friends” she went to school with. She said she joined and, so far, liked it and suggested I do the same. So I clicked on the link to “IvyDate.com” to check out the deal-e-o with my usual low expectations of what I might come across.

The name should have tipped me off: It’s a site for “Ivy League graduates and exceptional singles who value intellectual curiosity, love of learning, drive and determination.” I laughed and continued to read “Our online dating community includes fellow students and alumni—and a diverse population of other amazing singles, including doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, academics, artists, and professionals.” The site then clearly specifies an in-depth screening process for all applicants to be sure to introduce you only to the cream of the crop. It’s clearly all about segregation in its most polite form.

The friend that referred me to the site is a) A Harvard AND Yale graduate b) A corporate attorney who owns her condo on Park Ave that c) Could EASILY get work as a runway model. (Yes, I question if I can really be friends with her on a daily basis) This site is probably a great place for her to meet a future partner and I think it’s sweet that she thought of me. But I’m EXACTLY what the site is designed to WEED out: A single mother, with poor credit, living in dumpy rental in NJ with absolutely NO post secondary education. I have fantasies of filling out the online application just to see what type of form-letter response I would get in return. I imagine something like this:

“Dear Ms. MILF,
Thank you for your recent application to IvyDate.com. But a single mother with NO education? And do you think we don’t perform criminal background checks on all of our applicants? Really, You don't need to be a graduate of Yale to understand why your application has gone into the REJECT pile.
Please do not contact our offices again or you will hear from our attorneys.
- IvyDate.com “

Online Dating

By: Mike Cupolo and Tom Hollywood

The internet has changed dating the world, so much so that 1 out of every 5 serious relationships starts online. The two most popular paid dating sites are Match.com and eHarmony. PlentyofFish is the most popular free dating site. Ashley Madison is the #1 dating site for discreet affairs. Hope I didn’t turn a light bulb on in your mind. Cougar Life is the best known site for older women to find younger men. Facebook isn’t technically a dating site, but people use it as a hook up tool.

There are dating sites for everyone. You can specify your mate by their religion, education, height, weight, nationality, race, sexual orientation, etc. There is a site for women who want to meet guys shorter than 5’8”. I considered joining, but what happens if all the girls are tall? Can you picture me, 5’7”, with a girl over six feet? It would look weird. If a girl can toss me around like a Wrestling Buddy we might not make a perfect match. If you know what a Wrestling Buddy is I like you. A lot.

I actually joined PlentyofFish, only to do research for this blog, not because I’m desperate. I had to answer 150 questions. After question 150 I wasn’t sure who I was, why I was on the site, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Is it three? The owl use to say three, but who in the world is finishing a Tootsie Pop in three licks?

People always write the most conventional dating criteria: I’m looking for my soul mate, don’t message me unless you are looking for something serious or don’t send me naked pictures of yourself. Everyone is so up tight nowadays.

Tom and I made a dating application for men and women. Before you agree to a first date use this to weed out the creeps and find exactly what you are looking for:

Photos are a must. Post the picture that looks like you. Don’t use the one from 10 years ago when you didn’t have a pot belly.

Submit to an IQ test. Although I will probably be able to tell how smart you are by your grammar, amount of abbreviations and misspellings in the first message you send.

“Yoooo wats good? your kewl holla ats me shawty.”

Or

“Omg. My bestie Liz thinks u r totes presh. Yolo. Fml.”

Don’t write a message that needs a translator.

  
I'm going to need to see a dating history. How long has it been since your last relationship? I won't date you if you’re still sleeping with your ex. Unless you look like Bradley Cooper or Lisa Ann.

No rebounds. I don't want you dating me because you just got dumped. Unless you look like Bradley Cooper or Lisa Ann.

I’ll also need photos of your friends to make sure I haven’t dated any and to make sure they aren’t better looking then you. If so we can just be friends and you can introduce me to your friends.

I will need measurements. Height, weight, shoe, bra and package size. All must be provable with a picture upon request. No trick photography please. Use a ruler to measure your package. Start your measurement at the base.

A copy of your latest STD test results. Results cannot be older then 6 months. Getting tested 3 years ago is not satisfactory.

I'll also need to know if your boys swim. I plan on having kids some day and don't need your infertility being an issue.

A picture of your parents is required. I want see what I could be stuck with.

Show me references from past relationships. Will this be ending with me entering the witness protection program?

Is it really that crazy to meet someone online? Doesn’t it seem foolish to meet people at a bar/club while your judgment is impaired by alcohol and bad lighting? At least online you can cut through the bullshit and find exactly what you are looking for. Have you met anyone online?

Jules and I went to Herald Square and asked people what they thought.

 

MILF's reaction to "What is the craziest thing you have ever done to impress someone you like"?

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Gina's reaction to "What is the craziest thing you have ever done to impress someone you like"?

By Gina:

We all do some crazy things to impress someone we really like. I’ve never done anything crazy to impress someone but someone has done something pretty crazy to impress me. I was in 9^th grade when I met this kid at the Clifton Commons, yes the Commons; I was completely smitten by him. We exchanged home phone numbers and talked that night until 2 AM! He went to Wildwood for a week and when he came home, we hung out. He was asking me what I look for in a man and I told him, handsome, charming, funny, and no body/facial hair. Well, I guess he REALLY liked me to do what he did.

            I told him that I was going to get my hair done on Saturday and he asked if he could come with. I told him, sure why not! He actually made an appointment to have his eyebrows, back, and chest WAXED! I couldn’t believe that someone would put themselves through so much pain for another person. He walked out of the waxing room with tears in his eyes, I felt so bad. The worst part is that he went through all of this pain and yeah I didn’t really like him in the end anyway, whomp whomp.

What is the craziest thing you have done to impress someone you like?

Once you become attracted to someone things start to change. Your decision making becomes unstable. Thinking straight and acting normal are distant memories. An animal instinct takes over and you become a Neanderthal.  Now you try to convince this person that you are special. There is an essential need to impress and amaze your target. You must use any means necessary to win their heart. This might sound romantic, but usually backfires right in ones face. We always seem to choose to go all out and do crazy things to persuade this person into believing that you should be together.

Dinner and a movie- Cook a nice dinner, but since you can’t cook your mom is in charge of the catering. Then watch the Notebook together, but you cry so hard every time you watch the Notebook you end up puking.  

Write an intimate love note- By the look of pure disgust on their face, you got way too intimate.

Buy a gift- Did you really just buy a girl you never had a conversation with that didn’t involve work a necklace from Tiffany’s?

Marriage Proposal- You just started dating a week ago.

Buy a drink for a cutie at the bar- Does that ever work? I have wasted a lot of money and self respect that way.

Play the Pretend Game- Pretend you have money. Pretend you are an interesting person. Pretend that you have nothing but the best intentions.  

Show off your car- Eventually he/she will find out that your BMW belongs to your parents. It becomes difficult to explain why the car has to be home before 10pm.  

Adopt an animal- You decide to adopt a cat, because she loves cats. She isn’t impressed and now you are a 25 year old, single guy who owns a cat that bites you for no particular reason.  

Accompany them to a place they like- A club. Really? You don't like loud music, you can't dance and the smoke machine irritates your eyes. These would be the least of your problems, but you thought it would be a good idea to show up uninvited.  Way to go creep. In your defense their nightly plans were mentioned on Facebook.

Attend a party as their guest- This time you get invited. It is a family party. Now it is time to play the pretend game and impress his/her family. You get introduced as his/her friend to everyone at the party. Not only are you stuck at a 4 year old's birthday party, but you are also stuck in the dreaded friend zone.

What is the craziest thing you have ever done to impress someone?

JP's Reaction to: "What is the craziest thing you have done to impress someone you like?"

So why is it that we all do crazy stupid things to impress the opposite sex? We sit and say if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, forget them. HAHA yea right we all seem to change ourselves or do something to get their attention. Okay I will admit that I have done some stupid things to get a guy’s attention especially one I like. I will not admit to ALL of them but I will mention a few that I have done!

1. Pretended to like what they like! We all do it ladies. We may enjoy watching a sporting event, but we don’t want to hit up the sports bar every time to watch it “with the boys.” I do LOVE sports, but I can’t sit and pretend I really want to watch it. But I have to admit it’s a good excuse to shop. Any reason to go out and buy a cute jersey works for me. Like today, my friend and I are going to Giants training camp, do we really love the Giants that much? Not really, but maybe there will be hot guys there that think we like the Giants that much and we will strike up conversation. (Don’t Judge Me!)

2. Laughing at their jokes. HAHA lets make them pretend they are funny! Half of the time they really aren’t funny at all but we want them to think they are. Then say things do work out and we date and you have impressed them, now they are constantly telling jokes and they are far from funny. We are now embarrassed by their joke telling and how do we get it to stop? What have we got ourselves into?

3. Dressing to Impress! The thought of this is insane but again ALL girls have done it. If they tell you they haven’t they are liars and you shouldn’t trust them plain and simple. I know that if I am going out with someone I like I am dressing to impress. I am trying to get their attention and I will use my outfit to do it. We all want to look great don’t deny it.

4. Drinking a little too much. It loosens us up. We try to show them that we are a good time. We dance, we sing, we tell it like it is. Maybe they will associate us as a good time, NOT bad times!! Alcohol also lets us speak some things we would never say without some liquid courage. I remember once I drank a little too much and told an old friend that I always wanted him. I really hope that he doesn’t remember that. HAHA I’m sure he is reading this and shaking his head right now. (Hey what's up call me **wink face**) Doubt I impressed him, he probably thought I was insane but whatever it is what it is.

Like I said those the most common ones that I use as my ways to impress the guys I like, not all at the same time though. I know they are silly but we really all do it. Also it is not all faking it, I do like sports, but just not an OBSESSED amount; if you are funny I will laugh; I like to look good because when you look good you feel good, but sometimes I want to be in sweats and a hoodie; and I don’t constantly get drunk to impress a guy. Maybe we should all cut the crap and just be ourselves. Who am I kidding what fun would that be?

Gina's reaction to "Pros and Cons of Social Networking"

By Gina:

       

         Social networking has made it easier to stalk, harass, intimidate, and meet people.  I can’t even talk about Myspace because, who uses it still? Facebook has gotten ridiculous. Facebook has made it easier for my friends and I to stalk ex-boyfriends and their new girlfriends, old friends, and people we hated in High School.  I will completely admit that I do Facebook stalk when I am bored!  I also enjoy making fun of people’s status and pictures.

                Facebook has become a way that we can tell each other, mostly people who don’t give a shit, about our every move! We all have that one friend that MUST check in at every place they visit! It has become an epidemic! I have one friend that’ll write “Bobby Evans has checked in at CVS Pharmacy,” “Bobby Evans has checked in at Applebee’s,” “Bobby Evans has checked in at his bathroom,” and there is always a comment, “taking a monster deuce.” I don’t need to know your every move Bobby Evans, especially when your last status update said, “I hate when people stalk my shit.” I have a solution Bobby… DON’T CHECK IN EVERYWHERE YOU GO!

                The great thing about Facebook is relationships. You know you are in a fully committed relationship when it is Facebook official. Yes, ladies it’s that cute gut feeling we get when we see that we need to confirm our relationship with our boyfriend. It’s also that disheartening feeling when they deny our Facebook relationship request. But, if we are lucky enough to have a man who requests to make it official; we tell all those bitches who we think want our man, that he is ours! J

                Facebook has also made getting to know someone easier. Ever meet someone at a bar and get asked, are you on Facebook? I have. Facebook is way to know someone without taking the time out to know them. We can their pictures, status updates, friends, their wall… if they are a creeper and have pictures of kitties hanging from trees, and you know they are weirdos.  

                Moral of the story, Facebook is a bitch. It can make or break a relationship, friendship, and even end a relationship before it gets started. If your relationship can stand the tolls of Facebook, it’s meant to be. But please Bobby Evans, STOP WRITING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, I DON’T CARE!