If I was 30 years older…

By: Mike Cupolo and Tom Hollywood

If I was 30 years older...

I can use phrases like, “Do you pay rent? My house my rules. Get a job. Money doesn’t grow on trees. If we get a dog are you going to take care of it? You aren’t leaving this table until you are done eating. Who wants ice cream?” I’d rather just put my parents in a home.

And working the same job I am now I will be very disappointed.

Hopefully I still won't need Viagra, but the doctor won't give me a weird look when I try to get it to abuse for sexual pleasure.

People would say "he's in great shape for 45" instead of people saying "he's kind of fat for 25”.  Then I can tell younger folks they are getting fat whenever they tacked on a few extra pounds regardless of the shape I’m currently in.

It would be an accomplishment if I still have all my hair instead of it just being expected of me.

Going to the bar with friends seems less likely. Although, Homer Simpson does it and he is an icon.  

A massage after playing basketball would be believable instead of everyone assuming I’m going for a happy ending.

I would wash plastic silverware because reusing it would seem reasonable. I would also eat off real plates.

My place on the Giant’s season ticket waiting list would be up and I could pay the 20 grand to sit in freezing weather. Then I can bitch about how they use to be good and not such pussies.

I would use out of date racial terminology. It wouldn’t be considered racist because people will think I’m just use to the old ways.

I wouldn’t claim to know my illegitimate children even though they are a 20 year old version of me.

I would describe my freighting behavior in my 20s as "youthful indiscretions". By now the statute of limitations should almost be up on that "youthful indiscretion" in October 2011.

I would tell my kids that their mom use to be hotter when I married her 20 years ago even though she wasn't.

I would pretend to not understand inflation or social propriety. I could say, “When I was young a dollar would get you a half and half from an Asian broad on

57th street

.”

I would start ruining the new liver with drugs and alcohol.

I would pretend not to understand computers, online dating and internet porn.

I lie to my kids and tell them I love their mom, even though she took half.  

I would tell my son all of my sexual conquests. Tell him to man up and find a "real" woman and stop whacking it to cartoons.

The milfs have evolved into rich lonely horny widows. Time to live the Gigolo lifestyle.    

I would walk into a Verizon store and repeatly poke a screen while saying in a voice much too loud "How do you work this infernal contraption"?

I’ll back out of the pact I made with that girl/guy that if we weren't married by 40 we would marry each other. Sounds mean, but they didn't age well. The fact that they remember this drunken pledge has me concerned about their mental state. Gigolo it is.

I’ll go snowboarding and bitch about how all these "snowbladers" are fucking up the mountain.

I’ll bitch how noisy these young whippersnappers are at the movies and how they shouldn't let in anyone under 40. Also keep out anyone who is different than I am. New things make me uncomfortable.

I’ll say borderline creepy compliments to teenager girls. They won't know if I’m hitting on them or just being nice.

I’d go around saying people 20 years younger are bums. They should get a job and stop spending all day smoking pot and playing video games even though that’s what I did 20 years ago.

I could tell ppl I still live at home because I am taking care of my parents not the other way around.