Every time I shave my face I debate on keeping the mustache. Then I glance in the mirror and realize I look like a total pedophile. I use to always chicken out until one Saturday I decided to keep the stache and wear it out that night. I kept it thin, not really sure why, but I figured it would be funny to see my friend’s reactions.
Creeper
I pretended like I was serious about keeping the mustache, maybe even turning it into my new look. My friends tried so hard to be nice while I tried hard not to burst out in laughter. They said things like, “It doesn’t look bad.” or “I like it, but I like you better without it” or “It looks good, but you really aren’t thinking of keeping it. Are you?”
My friend Bill's Halloween costume
Of course I didn’t keep it. I live in a neighborhood filled with young boys. Don’t need anyone getting the wrong idea. It would start as a funny joke to me and then I would say something borderline inappropriate to one of the kids and the next thing I know I would have to register as a sex offended just like L.T.
The looks I got that Saturday night of total disgust and confusion were totally worth it. Sure no girls wanted to talk to me or stand within a 5 foot radius of me. Screw them, it was funny and I would absolutely do it again.
If you happen to be out with me the next time I wear the stache or see a Facebook picture of it that some jackass took, don’t be afraid to tell me the truth. Say, “Mike, it looks like you should have a 4 year olds penis sticking in your mouth.”
There is a lot of walking traffic through the cafeteria on the 17th floor (where I work). There are four radio stations: WPLJ, WABC, ESPN, and Radio Disney located on the floor. It is located in front of the main entrance for the floor. That probably is a factor. When you decide to eat lunch in the cafeteria you have to prepare yourself to answer the question, “What’s for lunch?” It isn’t a horrible question to ask. It is mostly done with good intentions, mostly.
What else would you say if you walked in on someone eating lunch? It just makes sense to ask a person what they are eating when they are eating it. Maybe you are hungry and you are undecided about what to eat. Maybe it is an icebreaker with an office crush. Maybe it is just something to say instead of being quiet and awkward.
You tell them what you are eating while trying to avoid spitting your food out. Mind your manners and don’t talk with your mouth full. There isn’t a time limit to answer this brain buster so do all of us a favor and chew your food.
After you tell your curious co-worker what you are stuffing your face with, be prepared for the follow-up. If you are one of the lucky ones the focus off the conversation will switch over to another exciting topic like the weather.
You aren’t that lucky.
Your co-worker stops, stares and says, “What’s in that?” Be ready to rattle off the magical ingredients that make up your meal. Choose your next words wisely because if it is something your co-worker doesn’t like you will definitely get a look of pure disgust. Depending on the person the look of disgust might be followed with, “Oh. I don’t like that.” Well that is great to hear. Guess what, you don’t have to eat it. Surprise! It’s for me. I didn’t offer you any or ask your opinion on whether my lunch fancies your taste buds.
I’m going to start lying about what I’m eating. Totally make up something completely ridiculous and keep a straight face. Next time someone asks me, “What’s for lunch?” I might say any of the following: a quail bacon ranch hero with mozzarella, cow testicle soup, a pheasant panini, or worst of all street meat!
The next time someone asks you, “What’s for lunch?” make up something wild. I know I will.
I was lucky enough to get a ticket to see The Book of Mormon (Thanks to Morag and Dan). Amazing. Hilarious. Awesome in every way. I’m talking about the show not Morag and Dan. Although they are pretty great too.
The musical comes from the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of SouthPark. They developed the story with Avenue Q, also a fantastic show, cocreator Robert Lopez. I am a huge SouthPark fan and I love Avenue Q. I knew I had to see Book of Mormon.
Matt and Trey
The show is about two Mormons from Salt Lake City, Utah. The two main characters, Elder Price and Elder Cunningham get paired together and sent off to a village in Uganda, Africa to spread the good word of the Mormon faith. What happens next is so funny and offensive, done only the way Matt and Trey know how.
During the intermission there were whispers that Will Ferrell was in the house. I glanced over to my left and saw that curly haired, goofy bastard also known as Ron Burgundy sitting three rows in front of me! Every time something funny was said in the show I immediately shifted my eyes to Will to see what his reaction was. Did he laugh? Did he just smile? Is he having fun? Wow, his wife looks pretty good. I mean she is too tall for me, but he is a tall guy so it works. What if I went up to him and whispered hello in his ear and then sat back down? What would happen if he just walked up on stage in the middle of the show wearing the Spartan cheerleader costume and acting all crazy? Can you imagine that?
People would say, “Hey did you hear Will Ferrell dressed like that cheerleader from SNL and got on stage randomly during the Book of Mormon? That is nuts! I wish I was there to see it." Then I can say, “Psst. I was there and it was awesome."
Have you been to a bar or club and seen someone acting like a jackass? Then just wonder to yourself…“What a douche bag.” We spot these people on a weekly basis. Typically, I’m looking at my own friends. Last weekend really set the bar high on douche baggyness. Yea, I know it isn’t a word. I made it up. You can use it if you want. I bet you use it.
This post is all about too much testosterone in the nightlife scene. More testosterone means more douche bags. A bar/club is just a better place with a balanced ratio of testosterone and estrogen. Whether you are going out with some buddies to find some buns or taking your significant other out for drinks/dancing the less testosterone the better. You don’t want guys hitting on the single girls or even worse trying to pickup the girl you brought! For the ladies, I know you don’t appreciate a bunch of drunken assholes hitting on you and grinding on you all night. Not everyone is a gentleman like my friends and I… just kidding my friends are dicks. Not everyone is a true gentleman like me.
This had to be a myspace profile pic.
There are so many factors that bring out the douche bag quality in a guy. The ratio at a bar/club is always off, 147 guys to 3 girls. Everything and anything must be done to impress the 3 average looking (at best), girls (usually at a crappy bar), even if it means getting into a fight. Alcohol is always a big factor. We all do dumb shit when we are fucked up, but it seems like alcohol works as some kind of d-bag enhancement. It’s like “Hey yo. My tight shirt and fake tan are the coolest. Yagerbomb! Wana bang? Check out my tattoo of the Italian flag. UFC! How much you bench? Tequila shots! My parents didn’t hug me enough when I was a kid. (insecurity starts to set in) Chug a beer! Fight me! (more insecurity) Tequila shots! JerseyShore. I shave my body. I gota puke, I’m a douche bag because I have a small wenis.” (insecurity has taken over).
Most guys are just born with the d-bag gene. This sounds like I’m bashing men. I’m not. I’m kind of a man. I’m bashing douche bags. Thought that was pretty obvious by now.
Big Ben and Jesse James- D-Bags (they actually look- a- like too)
Last weekend at was at Pub 46 in Clifton, NJ and I saw something that can only have one purpose… to start a fight.
This is a real game.
Why is this game at a bar? Combine all the previously mentioned factors that bring out the douche bags; tons of testosterone, bad ratio, alcohol, UFC, bench pressing, d-bag gene, tons of insecurity, etc. The perfect setting for a fight.
An actual douche bag
I was standing by this contraption and a d-bag came up to me and challenged me to a game of see who can punch harder. He clearly lifted weights, popped HGH pills like Tic-Tacs and was definitely bi-curios from years of sexual abuse by a trusted older male in his life. We have all met this guy. What a d-bag to challenge me to a game like that. I decided to be the bigger man and in a drunken state of mind said, “Heck yes.” He proceeded to destroyed the bag with his fist. I then thought it would be funny to call him over and whispered in his ear, “I saw a blind kid in a wheelchair hit harder than that.” He didn’t like that. My friends decided to leave at this point.
Living in New Jersey and working in New York means I have to commute. My options are to drive in, take a train or take a bus. I have been taking a bus for the past three years, mainly because the bus stop is a block from my house. The lovely Decamp Bus Company picks me up every morning and drops my ass off every night.
Facebook!
Recently, they went on strike (see pic). That was an awesome time. Driving to the Secaucus train station in my 2000 Chevy Malibu, park there illegally (actually had a note on my car from the dentist's office across the street informing me that I am taking up spots from the elderly. Meanwhile they had a huge parking lot. Not like I parked in a handicap spot. Kiss my buns dentist office. Man that still pisses me off.), and sitting in traffic on route 3 everyday coming home.
Even after that mess I still rode the bus. Loyal right? Not really, just lazy.
The driver in the mornings doesn't like me. Straight up avoids acknowledging my existence. Most of the bus drivers hate their lives and make sure they let everyone know about it.
Ms. Crabtree
My morning bus driver, lets call him Carlos, is not a fan of me. Crazy right? Not a fan of me? You must be wondering how I would know that. Every morning he gives the biggest hello to the person in front of me, says nothing to me, and then gives a big hello to the person getting on after me. If I say hello while getting on the bus or thanks while getting off I get no response. Fuck me right.
Still not convinced? What happened this morning will give you all the proof you need... you disbelieving little bitch. The bus pulled into Port Authority at 8:10am this morning. Carlos starts letting people off the bus. I walk off the bus and hear the bus doors close. Then I feel something holding me back. Carlos fucking closes the bus door on my backpack! My backpack is on my back and now it is stuck in the bus door. Yes, I wear a backpack to work. Derrr why do you wear a backpack Mike? Well, I have important things in there for example: my glasses (sun and prescription), an umbrella, deodorant, pens, hair gel, ipod, gum, cologne, airborne, chapstick, shoes, a toothbrush and paste, a calendar, bus schedule, breakfast, lunch, a Pueblo baby, sometimes a change of clothes, a hamster, $4.38 in change, and a picture of a dead Bin Laden. Pretty much everything essential to surviving and avoiding uncomfortable situations. I didn't have anything to help me in the "backpack stuck in suddenly closed bus doors and attached to my back situation". (Note to self: pack scissors). Think it's stupid to carry all that stuff? Felix the Cat doesn't think so.
He carried a lot of crazy shit in that bag.
Instead of releasing the doors and avoiding the possibility of dragging me around Port Authority fucking Carlos decides to start driving. I somehow manage to squeeze and squirm out of the doors with my backpack and limbs intact.
I want Otto from the Simpsons to drive me to work everyday.
Not the most competent guy, but at least he won't drag me around by my backpack.
Can't wait to see Carlos tomorrow. Doubt I will get any kind of apology. Something like,- "Hey sorry I almost dragged you around by your backpack yesterday. I think your backpack is cool"- would be a nice gesture.
I sit down at my desk today after my near death experience and I receive an email from Decamp...letting me know that the monthly bus fares will be increased by $20.
I think the guy I saw stranded at Port Authority at 1 am one night said it best, "Decamp sucks cock!!" Because everyone on the bus heard his outburst and just shrugged their shoulders and nodded their heads in agreement.
In America we all have freedom of speech, but we all say dumb shit from time to time. Example Charlie Sheen. We all have been in a situation where we say something that we wish we didn't. Majority of people have the common sense to not say the first thing that pops in their head. Most of us have that "on deck circle" in our brain. A place where we can think something, but not say it. It is very easy to find people who don't have this trait. They usually say something shocking that isn't funny. The reaction from people listening is usually a gasp or a low oooooo. Followed by, "Damn. That is messed up."
Twitter gives anyone the opportunity to say whatever happens to pop into their head and share it with the World Wide Web. This can be dangerous at times because...we all say dumb shit.
So if you are wondering how you can tweet, but avoid sounding like a jackass. Solution. Twitter Editor. Imagine a world with twitter editors. Imagine that Rashard Mendenhall running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers came to you with this:
From ESPN.com- PITTSBURGH -- "What kind of person celebrates death? It's amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We've only heard one side..."We'll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style."
With Twitter Editor the nonsense turns into something harmless. Rashard's tweet would look more like this: "Wow. Osama Bin Laden is dead. Crazy stuff man."
A little boring, but that is the sacrifice that must be made to avoid sounding like a jackass. Let's all invest in Twitter Editor, especially for athletes, actors and celebs.
What a great weekend of history making events! Friday starts off with the Royal Wedding. I was so intrigued. I hope I have a magical wedding someday. They looked so happy and elegant. Ok enough. Blah. I can't say that and pretend I care. Sorry. Two cool things about the Royal Wedding:
1. Royal Tea Bags
Now I can get tea bagged by Prince William every morning.
2. Kate Middleton is very attractive, don't get me wrong, but Big Willy probably could of done better. Here is a Brit Model who is definitly hotter than KM. You decide.
<>
Kate Middleton = cute
Louise Cliffe= meooowwww
Will the Thrill might not be the best looking dude, but he is rich. Oh and he is a prince! Not too many people can say that and prove it. If you don't like Louise then just google single British women. I'm sure you can find someone that satisfys your high standards.
The other amazing story: Bin Laden is dead! Woo hoo. Was it me or did the video of people celebrating in the streets remind you of the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz celebrating after the wicked witch was dead?
No more lame Bin Laden videos that look like shows on your local access channel. I mean come on, get some HD equipment! At least a flip camera. Best Buy sells them for like $99. I posted an exclusive video of the US Special Forces taking down Osama earlier. Here is another...
Both stories took the weekend by storm. There was one story that tops both of these. How can that be? A story more interesting than the Royal Wedding and the killing of Bin Laden? You bet your ass.
This story took place on a casual Friday night in Sydney, Australia. An audience was captivated by young pop star onstage singing one of the greatest written songs of all time, "baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby,baby, baby, baby," .... a true lyrical genisus ...what happened next no one saw coming. Unimaginable horror insues. If you are under 17 please get your parents permission before watching this video. If you don't like Justin Bieber... you're welcome...
YES!!! How awesome is this? J. Biebs gets egged! If you are wondering, the strong willed Bieber didn't let a few broken eggs stop him. He waited for the eggs to be cleaned up and went back out and sang another one of his hit songs. Lyrics that make you think, "The Beatles who"? Dance moves that make Michael Jackson look like a corpse. Bieber is the greatest. What a true professional. If someone threw eggs at my cube while I was "working" forget it. I'm done. I would have to go home.
This was a magical weekend... A Royal Wedding with tea bags, Bin Laden- DEAD and some little douche getting his. In the end you get what you deserve, right? I hope that isn't true because if it is I definitly have a few eggs coming my way.
