Don't be sad. Even a bad rash can be funny...
The NBA
season is over and boy was it fun. Here are my
predictions for next year:
1. My dad
critiques the refs between in-game naps which now start a quarter earlier. Sleepy little bitch.
2. The
Knicks convince me things will be different this time.
3. Emotional
damage follows a second round exit to the Brooklyn Nets.
4. LeBron's
headband grows by 2 and 3/4 inches. He later becomes the
first NBA player to wear a skull cap during games, as his hair line continues
to fade like Manu Ginobli's career. Aw that was mean. I apologize. Just get
hair extensions LeBron.
5. My sister
complains at a record pace about the frequency of my very own natural gas
hitting her in the face like a three stooge’s episode. (This one really is more
of a year round sibling experience.) Learn to love the gas Meg!
6. After the
first 2 weeks of the NBA season every woman I know (minus Leslie) will ask how
many games are left. They will not be pleased with the answer.
7. Stephen
A. Smith will proclaim on Sportscenter daily how every NBA rookie is now a dear, dear friend
of his after spending an intimate night with each rookie... against their will.
8. Tyler
Hansbrough decides to sport a tougher image. He grows mohawk, gets tatted up
and becomes addicted to crystal meth. He is still a bitch and now goes by the nickname:
Hummingbird Man.
9. The
Knicks are not happy with head coach Mike Woodson after a slow start and with Jason
Kidd coaching the Brooklyn Nets they sign Isaiah Thomas... to play point guard.
10. Mike
Miller's gums continue to consume his teeth.
 |
| Commercial pitch: Mike Miller stars in a commercial as himself along his long lost twin who happens to be a State Farm agent (also played by Miller). |
11. The New Orleans Pelicans realize their new team nickname is too intimidating and change it to the Tickle Monsters. The runner up is the Bellybuttons.
12. A new
NBA Cares commercial features players working diligently in the Hollywood
community to stop Will Smith from banging his son.
13. My mom
will say, “Oo why do basketball players have all those tattoos.” I confess to her I have the same one on my left butt cheek that says property of Jamal. She nervously laughs and walks
away pondering what went wrong.
14. Blake Griffin’s
next Kia commercial (you know the ones where he can travel back in time and not
actually prevent historical disasters but tell himself to apply sun tan lotion
because the future will be bright. Not a responsible use of time travel you
dbag) is a crossover with Chris Paul’s State Farm commercial (the one where
he is separated at birth with Cliff Paul). He goes back in time to save the
right twin… keep reading…
15. Meanwhile...State Farm
decides to take a dark turn with their Chris/Cliff Paul commercial campaign because
it worked for the Dark Knight and Man of Steel. The little girl who sings the National
Anthem at the Miami Heat games is confronted with a choice to kill one of them,
because you’ll need insurance when you’re faced with the “Who am I supposed to
shoot? Evil Twin Cliché Scenario.” Neither one really the evil twin, both
just awful. She closes her eyes and fires a shot, misses both, but Blake
Griffin shows up in his Kia time machine and lands on the Paul twins and the
National Anthem kid. This commercial is played during NBA games for the rest of ever.
So much to look forward to in the 2013-14 NBA season.
Watch our for future blogs and rashes. If one happens to come along just embrace it, don't fight it.
